Here we are. Again. What is this, though? Is it just me or does it feel worse than it ever did? What does this mean? Where does the sadness come from? Where from does it take its immense heaviness? I feel like I’m grieving for a thousand dead loved ones. The sadness never lasts, but it always always returns for another round. How do I … Continue reading An Old Beginning.
I cried like a five-year-old, but it doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t matter. My trust doesn’t matter. My opinions don’t matter. What I think doesn’t matter. How I feel doesn’t matter. What I said doesn’t matter. What you said to me doesn’t matter. What we agreed on doesn’t matter. Deals made with me don’t matter. Things I want to do don’t matter. Places I want … Continue reading W.o.r.t.h.l.e.s.s.
I hit rock bottom today. I cranked up the volume and almost broke the keys on my keyboard. I was afraid the neighbors were going to complain about the noise. I left the window open and filled the air with over-driven music that still failed to drown out my thoughts. The louder I played the clearer I heard myself spew venom at the walls of … Continue reading The Weight of the Void
I’m so going to regret this… I can’t sleep. Also I feel my heart beating in my head. And I have a splitting headache. There’s no use running away from any of this. There’s no point in pretending nothing’s wrong. But where do I even begin? I’m such a mess. I’m a walking talking mess. I’m a girl but I dress like boys. My mother … Continue reading Tug of War.
Hey, pal. So here I am. I’m 23 years and 11 months and 7 days old. Or you could say I’m 23 days to 24 years old. It’s really the same thing abstractly, but the plate in which it’s served really changes a lot. I’m gonna say I’m almost one third into my years yet I have only recently realized I’ve been oblivious almost all … Continue reading The Seeking
Does a child ever stop needing his parents’ approval? Do you ever get to a point where your parents opinion on you and your choices are only their own? Or is it not the case, even though you’re all grown up and independent? Let’s open up a bit. Sometimes when my mother looks at me it feels like she’s telling herself how wrong I’ve grown … Continue reading Approval.
Aya… What? You’re sad. What’s wrong? I’m sad. I don’t know what’s wrong. Not a clue? I’m just sad. I’m just sad. … I feel void. I feel void. I feel empty and worthless. Did anyone say that? I said it. I’m saying it. I feel void of sense and void of meaning. I keep looking for the point of everything. I don’t see the … Continue reading Monologue
Yesterday I realized how much I miss playing football. It seems I have forgotten how good it used to feel. Let me write it down as best I could, so that maybe it would stay here to remind me were I to forget again. It felt like power; like you could just launch into outer space and nothing could stop you. It was so old … Continue reading It felt so good…
I have come to believe deeply, with each passing day, that sadness and love are synonyms. Those who have been lucky enough to love deeply know all too well the point I’m trying to make. There’s a kind of sadness so profound and thick it almost blocks your lungs. A sadness that is a mixture of yearning, longing, nostalgia, alienation, and weakness. A feeling so … Continue reading Sadness and Love
My mother and I, we have this mutual view of one another.. Last time we argued, she said, “You have to realize that I am your mother, not the other way around”. That sounded ridiculous to me then. Looking back now, maybe she had a point. It’s not that I don’t see her as my mother. I realize she’s my mother, but it’s been a … Continue reading A volcano not so extinct..