Tug of War.

I’m so going to regret this…

I can’t sleep. Also I feel my heart beating in my head. And I have a splitting headache.

There’s no use running away from any of this. There’s no point in pretending nothing’s wrong. But where do I even begin?

I’m such a mess. I’m a walking talking mess. I’m a girl but I dress like boys. My mother finds me a burden and wishes I could just be someone else. My friends love me more than they should and everyone else think I’m something better than I am.

I’ve just recently turned 24, happy birthday to me.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. My parents want me to get married even if it means living across the border. I have so many plans and experiences I want to live through. I like to tell myself that I’m free and independent. I don’t like telling myself that I’m such a bad person, and that my mother suffers lots because of me, and that I deserve this misery, and that this heartache is but a fraction of what I must have made my mother go through, but I do anyway, and I believe it instantly and willingly.

Maybe I should change.. Maybe I should be someone else; someone other than this rebel that I am. Maybe I should be grateful instead of angry. Content instead of miserable. Maybe I should try and open up to someone, anyone, for God’s sake…

I don’t want to get married. Not soon and not fast. Leave me be. I have never met a couple that made me go “I wish I were married”. I’m not ready. Leave me be. Leave me be. Leave me be just leave me be!

Also I’m not leaving the country. I know it might be better for many people if I do but I just don’t want to and I won’t. Not for the sake of any stranger or anything else. Also I don’t want kids yet; hell, I’m too young and wild and naive to have kids yet. F society. I don’t care if I never get married. I don’t give a damn crap.

I know what love is.. I’ve loved to the full extent of my young fragile heart. Mind you, I’ve also been loved as best I could have been. I’ve had my share. I don’t need love. I don’t need strings attached to my every breath. I don’t need dependencies.

Do you know what I need? I need understanding. I need support. I need a partner that knows me like a close friend. I don’t even need forever nor do I need a promise of forever or any of that crap. I need a friend. A friend. Someone I could call mine but not own. Someone I could depend on but not belong to. Someone I would miss when they eventually leave but not have my heart broken by their absence. I need a friend.

I do have friends though, but I’ve learned that friends leave sooner than expected. Overnight they leave and everything changes and it’s not even their fault, it’s nobody’s fault, it’s just life. No friend commits to you until death does you part. You need a contract for that. You need a contract to commit to another human being for the rest of your life, to announce it publicly, and to live under the same roof. You need a contract and that contract is called marriage. I’ll just leave it at that, for now.

You see, then, I’m sad and tired and confused and I’m not ready. Don’t burden me with your hopes and expectations. It’s about time you realized I can’t meet your great expectations. Don’t add up to all that I carry around since I can’t remember when. Don’t blame me for being what I am. Don’t judge me. I know I’m yours and I should be completely obedient, but I’ve tried and I’m struggling.. You said I must be sick and I agreed; take me to a doctor and have him fix me. Have him fix me into something you find acceptable. Have me made the person you want me to be…

What else can I offer? I have only myself, my poor self, to offer… You make me feel so selfish and I see myself disgusting in your eyes… Was I ever good enough? Was I ever the daughter you want me to be? Was it before I learned to walk? Was it before I learned to talk? Was it before I learned to say the word “no”? Was it before I knew what it meant? Was it before I broke away and grew colorful feathers?

It seems I grew to be everything you hate about yourself, and everything you hate about dad… But I love my half-shattered half-scarred self… I love myself even if you don’t find me lovable.. I take pride in the person I’ve become because that’s the only way I can grow into someone better… Also, believe it or not, I have friends who love me… My reflection looks so beautiful in their eyes and I wish I never have to look away… But then I look away and the void between their eyes and yours breaks me to pieces…

I don’t think you’ll ever be pleased with whoever I turn out to be.. I just want to get this over with with as little damage as possible.. I’m drained. I’m sorry. I’m lost in an infinite loop of push and pull. God please let this loop break. Let us be free. Let us be free of guilt and disappointment and expectations…

Amen.

 

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