Monologue

Aya…

What?

You’re sad. What’s wrong?

I’m sad. I don’t know what’s wrong.

Not a clue?

I’m just sad. I’m just sad.

I feel void. I feel void. I feel empty and worthless.

Did anyone say that?

I said it. I’m saying it. I feel void of sense and void of meaning. I keep looking for the point of everything. I don’t see the point… I’m losing drive. I’m losing the will to do anything. I’m losing the will to live. I’m scared…

Why scared?

Because I’m losing the will to live. Because I don’t feel like my life is valuable. My life itself. The soul in me. I can feel myself losing my mind and it scares me…

You know you would never end your life Aya…

I know that. But the fact that I’m considering the thought of it, just the thought of it, is scary!

Well, if you’re scared it means there is will left in you, no?

Maybe…

Talk to me… Help me help you…

I just don’t get the sadness. My life is way beyond okay. I should be grateful. Why am I not grateful? Why am I angry and sad and bitter? Why am I ungrateful?

Maybe you had expectations? Were you expecting a different life?

A different life? I wasn’t expecting a certain life, I wasn’t expecting a certain feeling or state-of-mind. I literally wasn’t expecting anything!

There must be a reason, right?

Must there be? What if it was just that time of month? What would you say to that?

Is it?

I don’t know… The sadness feels deeper than a result of raging hormones. It feels deeper as if my soul is sore…

Love,,, I wish I knew what to do…

At least you’re here and we’re talking… How long has it been?

I’m honestly not sure, but it seems it has been quite long, too long…

I wanted to tell you that I’ve missed you but frankly I’m not sure I did…

I can’t imagine how we can miss one another if we hardly even know each other.

But you’re my self… How can I not know you?

Easier than you imagine, love.

Why are you calling me “love”? Didn’t you just say that we don’t know each other?

Because I love you. Your sadness brought you to me, or brought me to you, or brought us together. And as the saying goes; “When you’re happy you go to the person you love the most, and when you’re sad you go to the person who loves you most.”, so that must mean I love you quite a lot.

I don’t remember making the decision to come to you…

This is not how it works, love. You’re here because you didn’t make the decision to run away. This is where you should naturally be. After all, we are one.

Am I supposed to feel better?

Do you?

I don’t know anything any more… But if you keep calling me “love”, maybe I will feel better…

It’s meaningless if you push it, so don’t try to force yourself into feeling better. Just don’t resist, love, okay? At least we’re here, at least we’re talking instead of avoiding each other. Let’s talk more. You’re still sad and we need to pick you up and make you smile, be it tomorrow or next year, but let’s at least try, love, okay?

Okay… Were you here I would have given you a hug.

*Smirks* You mean to say “I would have wanted you to hug me”. Also what do you mean “were you here”? I am here. I’m the will in you. I’m the fill to your void. I’m the sparkle in your eyes. I’m the way you smile and make people wonder why you’re smiling. I’m the meaning of the hug you’re wishing for.

You remind me of someone…

I know.. I remind you of them because they remind you of me… You have some truly good friends, love. Why are you so locked up in your own self? You know they can help you. You know they would. Also they can give you hugs 🙂

It’s just too much of a burden. All I ever want is to make their lives easier. Why would I drop such a burden on their shoulders? I’m suffering on my own, it doesn’t have to be them too!

They’re your friends. Friends pull each other through. You know you would feel betrayed if they were going through something like this and didn’t ask you for the help they knew you could give. Come on, love. Let them be your friends. Let them feel needed. It isn’t wrong to need someone. Tell them you need them. Tell them you can’t pull through without them. Tell them even if you’d be crying your eyes out like a bursting river. Open up, love. Let the good things in…

I already love them so much… I’m already so weak when it comes to my friends… I don’t need more –

Exactly.

What?

You’re already there, love. Denying it doesn’t make it untrue. You’re already there. Admit it. Accept it. Make the best of it.

You’ll regret not being true to them. You’ll regret the chances you waste. You will regret every second not ceased. You know you will, love.

Yes, I know..

Promise me you’ll do something, any thing. Make a move. Step out a bit. You know what you need to do. Promise me you’ll try harder, love. You deserve no less than happiness. Sadness really doesn’t suit you. Promise me you’ll try harder than you’ve ever tried, love. Promise?

… I promise… I promise…

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