Sadness and Love

I have come to believe deeply, with each passing day, that sadness and love are synonyms.

Those who have been lucky enough to love deeply know all too well the point I’m trying to make. There’s a kind of sadness so profound and thick it almost blocks your lungs. A sadness that is a mixture of yearning, longing, nostalgia, alienation, and weakness. A feeling so intense you lose sense of anything except for your pure abstract existence magnified a million times. So much so that all other existence vanishes, drowns, melts into one.

This has gotten so familiar to me it has almost become second nature. Hell, first nature!  It’s like a third dimension according to which sadness and love actually go the same way.

Oh yeah, and fear. God, the fear.. I can never even come close to describing the terror.. the absolute vulnerability in the face of the inevitable…

Is this the dilemma of being human? If you had a choice, would you love? would you? would you?

I wouldn’t.

I want happiness. I want freedom, absolute liberty. I want reassurance. I want peace. I want independence. I want security. I want stability. I want forever.

But where is forever to be found? Between today, yesterday, and tomorrow, forever ceases to be.

That being said, what I need most is faith.. I need faith in the fact that the One who attended to me yesterday will attend to me today and will do so tomorrow. I need to believe that the One who chose this life for me, this time and place, has an ever-wise reason. That I am not alone… that even when I’m left completely abandoned, abandoned by choice or by fate, I remain in the eyes of the most, most loving…

All else is but a mirage.. All love is there from.. All longing there to.. All sadness is but a sign of love not returned…

The weakness surging through my bones begs for a shoulder to lean on.. Someone that will not ever leave… Someone that is not ever busy… Someone that is not subject to doubt or misunderstanding… Someone who will always love you more… Someone you can depend on at all times, in all places, outside of time and place… Someone you can never deny needing no matter how arrogant or proud you are…

I want a happy ending.. I don’t want to suffer… Am I too selfish for not wanting to suffer?

Ya Allah… this life is but an hour, and I am but a lowly needy servant upon which you bestowed endless mercies.. Ya Allah guide me to safety.. guide me to peace.. guide me to You…



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