Dear nothing, dear everything,
I have come to the most troubling realization about myself. In a way, it has given me great comfort.
All along I believed that I was. All along I believed that there was something in me that made me me; something that has always been there and always will be, something that makes me different from you or anyone else, some core, some essence that had my name on it, some raw existence that was marked for me long before I even was, something I thought was a kind of compass, someone I am, someone I should find, someone I should make peace with and accept, someone I should be.
But hey, guess what!
The only me there is is the me I am right now. There is no me waiting to be found and lived. There is no me but the me I choose to be everyday. Yes, “choose to be”, “everyday”. There was no me before I made my first choice, before I had my first thought, before I decided for myself who I want me to be.
When I was born, I was a burning ball of potential. I was potential energy waiting to be released, released into decisions and thoughts and actions, released to form the person I am going to be. Hear that? The person I am GOING to be. Yes, that’s future tense.
So to sum things up, I have come to believe that souls carry no characteristics. Souls are life energy. They are there to give you life. The rest is completely up to you.
So I was not born with the love of the color red. I was not born with the tenderness towards green eyes. I was not born a tomboy. I was not born hard-headed and messy. I was not born a hard shell with a soft core. I was not born with the tendency to stay silent for as long as possible. I was not born an introvert. I was not born with the desire to be a vet. I was not born bearing the love of animals in my heart. I was not born a heavy sleeper. I was not born with tremendous appreciation for music and art. I was not born the reserved careful person I am today. All these things are traits I grew into, characteristics I developed with the aid of all those around me and the environment I grew up in.
I was born a free will. That’s all the credit I can give to my soul. A free will; not directed or oriented anywhere.
This brings trouble because I have for so long been looking for myself, for something that doesn’t even exist. It’s troubling also because I thought I was originally different from everyone else; I thought I had a soul in me that held everything I am supposed to be. In a way, that felt safe to know; that your essence is somewhere safe where it belongs and thus would never be lost. I was dead wrong. I was dead wrong! Took me 23 years to realize I was chasing a mere ghost.
It was also comforting in a way. It meant that I am not predefined and that I am free to be whoever I want to be, and I love being free. Also, this has answered a burning question I’ve carried around for a while now: is God not fair? The answer is: yes He is. Of course He is. That I knew, but couldn’t make sense of. But today it makes perfect sense. God did not create me with any unique desires or tendencies. He created me willing to be and desire anything. He created me free. I, then, chose my own course.
So now, I declare myself free. I declare myself a possibility to be anything and anyone.
And last but most important: I declare that I am free, therefore I am responsible.